From Hater with Love

Behated Free Spirit,

My loathing for you is like a river of crap

Gushing along my veins each time I see your flirtatious glance

Your hair blowing in an ecstatic spin itches the narrow lines of my restless eyes

The click-clack of your high heels leaves holes in my closed mind

Like a prick of conscience, your loud laughter spikes through my peace

Again, you’ve reminded me of how miserable my life is.

Yellow puss bleeds out of my gut

I roll my intestines into a thick ball of spite

You know you’re not that special, right?

Even in the dimmed light, I can clearly see your cellulite.

But men don’t care

They stare at you as if you were a butterfly

So pretty from far but impossible to touch

Sometimes I’m one of them

I want to slide along your curves

I want to hide in the corners of your smile

And echo “mine” against the altar of your neck

But you fly away from my shaking hands

Leaving hundreds little swords pierced through my brittle ego

Your giggle.

Thank God, I have an ace up my sweaty pants

I can always call you a slut.

Other times, I’m one of the girls

Lined up in angry crusades

Ready to pin you to the wall

Lock you in a glass box labelled SHAME

We’re waiting for your mistake

Huh, and here it comes!

You didn’t put on leggings under your flowy skirt

You let that guy slid his knee between your legs

And—I can’t believe that—you’re not wearing a bra!

But your vulgar joy is not all

You have ideas, and that’s the worst

You display them on the Internet

Perfumed with eloquence and depth

But you won’t trick me, you’re full of shit

Your beliefs smell like rotten eggs

Your positivity makes my brain cells twist in pain

So you’ve travelled the world? Big deal, I could do the same if I had wings…

So you’ve learned six languages? What a brag, I need just one to ruin your life…

You surely wonder why I write

In the cozy darkness of my loneliness

Covered with the harsh love and thick fear

I want to let you know that I EXIST

While you’re losing yourself in someone’s scratchy face and pulsating arms

Crossing the galaxies on your rented bike

Tattooing the word FREEDOM on your heart

I keep on weaving the web of compliance in which you stubbornly resist to fall.

I’m the monster in the shadows

A stale smirk hanging on my cheeks

My eight legs shredding your wings when you turn your back to me

I take the pieces, sew them into one

With the thousands of others I hide in the depths of my despair

But no matter how much I torment you

Your wings always grow back

No matter how big my cloak is, I can’t rise

Stuck in the gooey mash of rules and expectations, my spirit won’t fly.

I wish you could know how it is to be me

Empty, scared, filled with venom and grief

My animosity toward you is the only precious thing I possess

Your confusion and tears are the only attention I ever get

So next time I trip you up, call you names, gossip behind your back

Give you smelly poop dressed as “constructive” feedback

Remember it’s my way of begging you to share your light with me

Because my soul is lost, blindfolded, and unable to breathe.

I don’t know what I’m doing.

With All My Hate,

Trapped Spirit