Behated Free Spirit,
My loathing for you is like a river of crap
Gushing along my veins each time I see your flirtatious glance
Your hair blowing in an ecstatic spin itches the narrow lines of my restless eyes
The click-clack of your high heels leaves holes in my closed mind
Like a prick of conscience, your loud laughter spikes through my peace
Again, you’ve reminded me of how miserable my life is.
Yellow puss bleeds out of my gut
I roll my intestines into a thick ball of spite
You know you’re not that special, right?
Even in the dimmed light, I can clearly see your cellulite.
But men don’t care
They stare at you as if you were a butterfly
So pretty from far but impossible to touch
Sometimes I’m one of them
I want to slide along your curves
I want to hide in the corners of your smile
And echo “mine” against the altar of your neck
But you fly away from my shaking hands
Leaving hundreds little swords pierced through my brittle ego
Thank God, I have an ace up my sweaty pants
I can always call you a slut.
Other times, I’m one of the girls
Lined up in angry crusades
Ready to pin you to the wall
Lock you in a glass box labelled SHAME
We’re waiting for your mistake
Huh, and here it comes!
You didn’t put on leggings under your flowy skirt
You let that guy slid his knee between your legs
And—I can’t believe that—you’re not wearing a bra!
But your vulgar joy is not all
You have ideas, and that’s the worst
You display them on the Internet
Perfumed with eloquence and depth
But you won’t trick me, you’re full of shit
Your beliefs smell like rotten eggs
Your positivity makes my brain cells twist in pain
So you’ve travelled the world? Big deal, I could do the same if I had wings…
So you’ve learned six languages? What a brag, I need just one to ruin your life…
You surely wonder why I write
In the cozy darkness of my loneliness
Covered with the harsh love and thick fear
I want to let you know that I EXIST
While you’re losing yourself in someone’s scratchy face and pulsating arms
Crossing the galaxies on your rented bike
Tattooing the word FREEDOM on your heart
I keep on weaving the web of compliance in which you stubbornly resist to fall.
I’m the monster in the shadows
A stale smirk hanging on my cheeks
My eight legs shredding your wings when you turn your back to me
I take the pieces, sew them into one
With the thousands of others I hide in the depths of my despair
But no matter how much I torment you
Your wings always grow back
No matter how big my cloak is, I can’t rise
Stuck in the gooey mash of rules and expectations, my spirit won’t fly.
I wish you could know how it is to be me
Empty, scared, filled with venom and grief
My animosity toward you is the only precious thing I possess
Your confusion and tears are the only attention I ever get
So next time I trip you up, call you names, gossip behind your back
Give you smelly poop dressed as “constructive” feedback
Remember it’s my way of begging you to share your light with me
Because my soul is lost, blindfolded, and unable to breathe.
I don’t know what I’m doing.
With All My Hate,